Nerdos iuvat fortuna

Thoughts from the life of a big nerd

Trapped!

Today I was trapped in an elevator.

Perhaps you’ve been trapped before in your life.  You probably felt helpless, maybe scared, maybe claustrophobic.  An elevator is a unique place to be trapped in, however, and there are some important things you need to know or be prepared to do when you confront an elevator door that won’t let you out.

First, pray that you are either alone or with very few people.  You don’t want to be stuck with someone smelly or prone to panic attacks.  Any amount of time beyond five seconds is too much time with either one of these people.  Fortunately, I was alone this morning, thus putting myself in the best possible trapped scenario.

Maybe Spongebob can help you root out the smelly one.

Next, check your surroundings.  Is there a suspicious package or a strange timer on the control panel?  If so, you’re probably part of a movie scene, in which the elevator will explode if it stops moving.  Bust out your acting chops and maybe you can win a job with a Hollywood superproducer to star in Elevate 2:  The 40th Floor.

You might also want to be ready to crash through the roof as you gain speed going up the floors.  If this happens, don’t panic, just sit back and enjoy the ride.  This scenario is especially likely if you’re in a glass elevator.  At one point this morning, I thought this might happen.  I was patiently waiting for help on the ground floor, when all of a sudden the elevator started rushing all the way up to the ninth (top) floor.  I braced myself for impact and the subsequent feeling of floating, but it never came.  Oh well, I wouldn’t have been able to see anything or have an entire chocolate factory bequeathed to me anyway.

If you see this guy on the elevator, beware!

If you just can’t take it anymore and have to get out, break out your crowbar.  Hopefully, you remembered to pack one in your purse/murse or bookbag.  If you forgot the crowbar, just get out your Super Crowbar Plus iPhone app.  It should work nearly as well.  Stick said crowbar/faux crowbar in the door and start shoving.  Please remember, however, that this is not a wise strategy if the elevator is moving.  Unfortunately, if the elevator is not moving, you’re probably already dead from the bomb explosion.  Thus, the only natural conclusion….

Get out a lightsaber.  The elevator does not have to be stopped to cut a chunk out of the ceiling and then climb on top and wait to jump out at the next open doorway.  Or you can cut a hole through the door and exit that way.  Nothing beats a lightsaber for getting out of crazy elevators.  Sorry, the lightsaber iPhone app won’t cut it this time.

The perfect getting out of elevators tool

If only I brought my lightsaber along this morning I could have those 15 minutes of my life back…

Advertisements

March 25, 2010 Posted by | Craziness | 1 Comment